Honest to Goodness

I have this propensity to be honest to the point of blatant. I figured that in relationships in life especially the one with ourselves or myself more the point is where honesty is needed most. But I suppose where does the line lie between being honest and fabricating truths to save feelings of those we love. I love my girlfriends so much, but to hurt them unnecessary by telling them "actually its because your needy" or "your intelligence is frightening away potential partners" is this a necessary part of taking honest skills to a new level. There is tact I hear you say.

I have this wicked part of my personality and I mean wicked in a bad sense not good, but I tend to have standards that are way up high, for myself and everyone else in my life gets the live the lower easy to pass standards, am I lying to myself in a sense making myself live a life impossible by expecting perfection. I have figured that treating oneself the same as you would treat others a hard life lesson with the critical self talk in my head bleating "but you should know better" or "I'm just not good enough I should try harder" do we all share this or not. I know some of my friends don't feel guilt on the level that I do, nor do they have the same ambitious qualities. I think my point of this small soap box saga today is be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, hug yourself mentally, hold your own hand and tell yourself its all going to be alright. This has been a difficult life lesson for me to learn but a valuable one, for at the end of the day you really have only yourself in the dark as he snores beside you. To be at peace with oneself is to truly find happiness.

Delish Things I LOVE!

On a more serious note, I must discuss my OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I feel like a freak but I need to confess. I realise this is a real and potentially soul destroying illness for some, but I needed a little light hearted cheer to post on my oh so serious blog of late, so my apologies to the real suffers.

I.. Nicky..stand up and confess I have an OCD for shoes. I frequent shoe shops, inhale deeply avoiding the growing excitement in my tummy and the tingles in my finger tips as I ache to touch the leather and delicious array of shinny new shoes displayed on the shelves. I LOVE shoes, I stand and smile, fingering (not at all inappropriate in the light of such beauty) each of the styles dreaming about my relationship with them. I have a special passion for delightful girlie shoes, with extremely high heels, and pretty ribbons to lace up, or pink leather with black buckles, or my extreme favorite which I'm saving madly for, a black patent leather pair with an petite tiny incy buckle and an organza glittery butterfly covering it, OMG to die for. Is this an illness? I ask myself, I feel a little heady on entering my fave designer clothing shops, but nothing like this. I seriously had a small amount of drool recently which I quickly licked off my lips, over a pair of beautiful black lace up heels, with lovely tubular laces, almost librarian like but would look killer with a pair of black tights with a seam up the back and my fave lil black dress. Okay my confession may seem a little silly but I had to, it worried me that I may not be normal, till I actually noticed the other women in the store, carrying a variety of tissue material (for wiping drool) and white knuckles clutching their purses. YAY I'm normal after all.

Pain versus Power

I read this week my self help book of choice, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, there a little plug for this particular author. Perhaps I should have read this at a younger age but it's a book I recommend thoroughly for those in the throes of fear gripping life changes. The experiences of things happening in our lives, you know the big stuff like loosing a loved one, divorce, loosing your job, being at the bottom of the pecking order or so it seems. I am going through some experiences where I was so low there was no where else to go but upwards, but fear gripped me in an insane way, pushing me into a corner where I was lost and desperate. Fighting out of it is impossible, gentle acceptance and patience, helped. You can not fight your way out of a situation you are obviously going through for a reason as well. I always try to see the good in the bad but this time my optimism waned BIG time. But in no way did I give up on it, I pressed on each day on waking thinking "okay today I feel like total S**** but on the other hand feeling like this means, my double shot mochachino tastes extra good, or my run around the block in the rain makes me feel alive, or that special little voice saying "I love you Mummy" pulled me through these dark experiences. So to experience pain and come through it is a path to power within oneself is my goal. My goal is in sight, I think.

Soul Searching

Soul mates ?? Is there such a thing, do I believe, is this a hopeless romantics view of the world. Hmmm pondering this question, I have always believed in the one person for everyone point of view, but only secretly, I would never spout out at dinner parties, how much I would love the ideal of there being just one lover for you in the world. My public view of this is ... there will never be just one person for everyone, you can adapt and sway to be with many people, I think a connection is possible with many similar souls. Is this true, is a mind connection with someone, thinking the same things at the same time, feeling warmth from each others smiles, happy to just be, is this something that can be found in many people of your liking. I'm not sure, I really struggled with this question, my romantic side fighting my more practical realistic side.

Someone who makes your heart race and pulse quicken and gives you butterfly tummies, is a keeper, but after the lust and love fades, the companionship and knowing in each other takes a new hold. But then should this person always hold your heart and can more than one person hold that key. I'm not sure, in my experience I suppose the one person only forever has waned and I'm not quite sure anymore of my realistic view of life, and seem to like the idea of a soul mate. I consider my girlfriends of soul mate quality looking at it from a different perspective, they love you, all your quirks and mistakes, they pick you up when you fall, they hold your hand when you cry and just have the ability to make you smile while shopping for a new pair of red heels. So yes I believe in soul mates, not just the posiblity of one but many throughout a lifetime.

Pleasure in Pain

Do you ever think that life is merrily following along a path, one which you intended it to follow and then out of the bush jumps a wolf so to speak and rocks your world the core of its foundations. Okay now that in English is, life holds such possibility but do we consider it changeable completely. I know for myself, I have always considered my life would turn out a certain way, how narrow minded is that? Recently I had the opportunity to create a new possibility in mine. After the death of my mother, I was suddenly freed of any constraints that an influential person can cast on your life. At the time I was devastated but it actually made me realise often we can run to the idea our life should be based on the rules of how our parents would do things. Or from what they consider we should do.

I suppose what I am trying to say very inaccurately, is sometimes we hold things from our past of what our parents have said to us, or what our caregivers or siblings have said and consider this to be true about ourselves. We lack the knowledge to realise that maybe this is what they think only and really not about us at all. I know my sister considered me weak at one stage of our lives, her comments rang in my ears for 10 years before I finally released the shackles of this comment. Because a person holds a perception of us, it doesn't mean we are that way, we (being I) have to embrace ourselves, take ourselves by our hand and jump into the unknown trusting only our own judgement and our own true self that we are doing the right thing. Fear of course is prevalent in this but the feeling of pain and coming out the other side is liberating spine tingling if we can see that the realms of possibility is not always what we consider our lives should be and open ourselves up to the possibility of change.

WOW that is deep, LOL oh well .. I have depth inside of myself I need to express and there ya are, its out now !

The Universe Shifts

Over the last few weeks, after a tumultuous few months of painful experiences in my life, due to marital non-bliss and also the beginnings of a career, I feel like I have been to the war zone and back. I'm jumpy and nervous and anxious but born from this has emerged a new person, less sensitive and tougher on the inside. Do our life experiences mean most learning must be from pain. I have decided to write this week about living in a crisis situation for the last few months, some created by myself some not. I keep thinking am I supposed to be learning from this, and please let this be over. I gave my power away, thinking that...when we throw ourselves at the mercy of a situation, we become it's dinner literally. I found it is best to face what life is giving us, yes even painful situations and move through it with utter acceptance of the situation, I'm ever the optimist so my immediate reaction is "what good is coming from this". I have always considered myself a weaker personality but this could not be farther from the truth and although countless friends has said to me, you are strong, I have yet to see this fully. Why do we fail to see the good stuff within ourselves. I think that learning experiences especially in the thirties/forties which some could say middle age, I like to call it "the growing years". These experiences are given to us at a time when 1. We are able to handle it and change direction in our lives and 2. We are mature enough to gather enough learning experiences from pain that we can somehow reshape our lives. There does come a certain time to stop blaming others for our lives and live in the world free of becoming a victim to the bad experiences that life throws at us. Believe me its liberating to experience this and know that no matter what life throws my way, "Ill be okay".

Motherly Love!

Eight years ago, I lost the most important person in my life, my mum. As a woman, in my view, mothers are the most important people in our development into adulthood. But when we are all grown up and living our lives as an independent, loosing your mother changes your world so dramatically. I look at where I would have been, had she been alive to mould me through my 30's. I see a different place to where I would be had she been in my life. Am I a better person ? As much as I love my mum and loved her dearly, I see my life as an independent symphony of experiences, due to her influence and also her departing this life. I am grafeful for the 30 years I had her wonderful influence in my life and being a person of a positive nature (much like her) I tried so hard to see the good in such a bad awful experience of my mum dying. I was pregnant at the time with my second daughter, I think the first year of her passing was numbness, after that I suppose I see it as a mourning period and overcoming the shock of her death. I held onto the fact I had her for such a short time, but what I had was the most wonderful mum in the world, which I suppose some people never experience. She was a positive, caring, living life to the full soul, whom I loved dearly and I see her "good personality traits" in myself. I envy my friends sometimes as they moan about their mothers, I often speak my mind telling them to love their mothers. I wish I could have mine back in a heartbeat but I dont live in regret, I don't wish for something I cant have, I hold her dear to my heart and I live with the knowledge I had such a wonderful influence in my life for a short time and live my life to my standards knowing I would make her proud "being happy".

An Affair to Remember

My GF panel of experts met over the normal coffee and gossip session today, we were all in turmoil over an acquaintance who's husband just left her for a 26 year old. On the one hand, this is bad news for the over 30's amongst us, this woman had no idea her husband was seeing a younger woman. This bought us to the question of .."are you really unaware when your partner is wandering". If your connection is right with your partner/husband/consenting slave, do we really have no idea their attentions are elsewhere? I'm not so sure. Signs are everywhere, I, for one have never been in that situation, but I do consider humans to be inquisitive creatures who are probably not meant to be with one person for their all of their lives. Over a life time we change, we grow, our wants and needs change, does this make us a bad person if we desire others, is it realistic to want what you don't have? It's human nature of course, but I do feel for those women and men who really have no idea as to where their partner's attentions are focused, sometimes I think, we don't want to see it, close our minds to that proposterous idea ..only to have your world crumpled when your perception is so different to what you visualise, that's soul destroying. Is an affair a shake up for an already dying marriage, painful as it must be, I would consider being lied to as a sure fire way to look inside myself to see what has provoked this situation and move swiftly to the therapists office, I consider honesty one of the deal breakers in my relationships. If you don't have that, what do you have?

To Communicate or Not!

It was wine, good girl friends and discussions that bought about my topic this week, is communication overrated.

I always considered feelings, thoughts and expression of how one feels to be a good thing and after discussions with several good girlfriends of mine, I beg to differ on this. Communicating is really a girl thing. You get the "honey I want to talk about something" panic face in your partner whenever some little tidbit is on the tip of your tongue. I tend to express everything, every thought random or otherwise entering my head comes directly out of my mouth. This is good right ? NOOOO apparently not. I have never been good at non expression. But my freedom of speech is never truly appreciated when it comes to my significant other. Why is this. I thought he would be over the moon about knowing exactly what I think. But he would prefer non expression and sticking head in sand syndrome. After consideration and deliberation with my girl panel, it was decided women have tendency to share and share and share and men have a tendency to repress every thought. This is a pretty broad assumption with the exception of both sexes. Romeo was able to express his heartfelt love for Juliet but Big couldn't tell Carrie (Sex in the City) "hey I don't want a big freaking fiasco wedding with half of New York, Ill just not show". So which is it we prefer as the fairer sex, I for one, love a expressive man. Reasons being 1. You know where you stand and where you don't. 2. Its easier to navigate a relationship with freedom of speech. 3. Someone who can hold their own with my expressive nature renders extremely attractive in my eyes.

Another one of the worlds issues sorted in a few short lines WOOT!

Modern Love

I'm exhausting myself in writing about the icky love stuff that torments us all from time to time. What is modern love in today's society. Do we 1. Search for love in all corners of the world, 2. Feel that love completes us, 3. Require love to function as a person. I consider the online dating scene to be one of the most interesting facets of the dating scene today. Does an online date mean any less than the physical, "lets meet in a bar" type scenario. For one you get to know the person inside without the "wow I'm attracted to you but hey we don't have anything in common" factor. So many relationships are based on attraction first and foremost and lets get to know the inside last. Has online dating revolutionised this for us, forcing us to get to know a person first. The unfortunate aspect of this, is the ability to lie easily when not faced with a person. Body language speak volumes. I had the opportunity to speak with an acquaintance about his experiences with meeting his beloved online. They were in different states in the US and were communicating via the Internet. They based their relationship on honestly and mutual respect for one another PLUS the amazing connection they shared in their thoughts and dreams allowed them to indulge in a fantasy of being together in the physical sense. They then met, and found that their attraction to each was huge, which they both considered an added bonus to their already close and satisfying relationship. They both felt that had they met in the bar or in the normal way that one meets a future partner, they would not be as close as they are today.

I sat after I finished speaking with my friend about this, and thought what a lucky guy to have found the right one all via the Internet. Would this love last, the normal every day life annoyances slip into every relationship, they had gotten to know each inside first, do most couples actually get this close when meeting in the normal way, it gave me so much to consider, when it comes to modern love. I had warm fuzzies after talking to him and more than a little envy, for his situation. I am after all a self confessed hopeless romantic after all.

You, Me and Love

"Romance is dead" who said that was true. I had believed that up until a short time ago and quite possibly would have lived believing this for a long time. But alas life is a strange journey of hurt, pain, happiness, guilt, love, joy all mixed into a melting pot to bring all our life experiences together. If we experience too much of one thing is that necessarily a good thing, the rain makes the sun shine that much more breath taking, that's what I love about life. You look at seemingly happy people and find yourself questioning their secret. Happiness as an adult is a funny thing, I realise that happiness must be within oneself before you can project it into others. Loving oneself is something that has eluded me majorly until recently and then at Xmas camping with my beloved friends as they discussed the movie star or gorgeous person they long to be like, a lighting bolt hit me, wow I like me, I wana be me! Holy cow batman my friends picked up their jaws from the floor and nervously gulped back wine, how could I feel that way about myself. But I do, believe me it has not been an easy journey fraught with many moments of the self loathing that comes with every day life. But loving thyself is the gateway to others loving you, seeing what your best parts and loving the worst parts, its all relevant to who you are as a person.

We all have skeletons rattling in our closet, we all have stuff about ourselves we have done that we blush in shame about, who doesn't show me this person and I'll bet there is a little white lie cloud forming over their head. I found my path luckily with the help of a beautiful friend who shared similar experiences and has broad shoulders but I figure it can be paved alone too. Just embracing the qualities about yourself that are unique to you, that's a start and a few self help books and loving friends and one special person that's my recipe. Glad I found it.

Groundhog

Its a new day ... same situation, wake up, get into life. Life as a thirty something is wonderful I must say, adult enough to naughty but young enough to know better. I met my GF's for a coffee this morning after a haul butt around the block. As adults do we need to grow up and see life for what it is. I have this illusion about romance, I love it, I love the fairy tale stuff, I like to think that exists in the world but I'm growing day by day disillusioned by this theory.

Amongst discussions, my GFs and I often talk about this, it seems all we want is a little more romance and equality in our relationships, does anyone have this after a certain amount of time with the same person, are humans supposed to be monogamous? I have often thought no. Not to say the grass is greener but certain people loose attraction after a while, and some never get it back. Do we stick at it like the old days living in a relationship that stales and makes us miserable or do we go against all beliefs in society and move on, putting our happiness first. Its unsoluable problem when children are involved that is for sure. I'm not so sure about the "mate for life" thing in humans. It eludes me, perhaps I'm a freak but going by my GFs and their GFs and mothers and grandmothers I'm changing my perception of my freakishness.

Anyway its all relevant in the worldly nature of this blog, I think and needs an airing and my GFs and I give it the air time needed. Yay for GF's.

Acronym dictionary, GF's = Girlfriends

The Creation of Girl Interupted

Blog blog blog..... a story about a girl, well woman, late thirties how interesting is that. Relationships, children, careers, friendships all been done before I hear you say But this has a lil twist .. Im a kiwi growing up at the age of 38 WOW I finally know me woohooo only took me a certain amount of time to figure who I am, what I want and where Im going. A KIWI, whats a damn kiwi, a furry fruit that tastes yummy on the inside ..yep thats me, some individuals in the world have never heard of kiwis. We are New Zealanders with a cute lil nickname. To add to that aswell I am a geek and love the fact I can plaster my life learning over the web for a few aimless souls to read. So Kiwi Girl pulls up her pedastal and soap box ready to spout her few words of wisdom to the world.

First things first, 38 is that the new 25 I think it is, I look at Mom when she was my age, momsy and always baking, hell whats an oven, I made muffins once in 1998, I was pregnant and nesting give me a break. I go out still, drink far to much, check out men, probably ones that are far too young and still living with their mothers too. Are we a nation of growing up later. I talk amongst my friends, we are all in similar situations, babies are growing up, husbands are growing out and careers are becoming very important, to curb the nappy brain and feel like a woman again. Pre children, I wore my business suit to work, swayed my hips as I walked along the street teetering on heels far to high, delivering documents, attending meetings and flirting with the numerous geeky men in the office. Now I look at my outdated business suits and yearn for those days again, but this time to be in a position of power, prove my intelligence in a male orientated world and get them to look past the blonde hair thing.

I am a girl, I love girlie things but now its time to grow up ... this girl is interupted mid 30's to become a woman and that is where my blog starts. Watch this space