Honest to Goodness

I have this propensity to be honest to the point of blatant. I figured that in relationships in life especially the one with ourselves or myself more the point is where honesty is needed most. But I suppose where does the line lie between being honest and fabricating truths to save feelings of those we love. I love my girlfriends so much, but to hurt them unnecessary by telling them "actually its because your needy" or "your intelligence is frightening away potential partners" is this a necessary part of taking honest skills to a new level. There is tact I hear you say.

I have this wicked part of my personality and I mean wicked in a bad sense not good, but I tend to have standards that are way up high, for myself and everyone else in my life gets the live the lower easy to pass standards, am I lying to myself in a sense making myself live a life impossible by expecting perfection. I have figured that treating oneself the same as you would treat others a hard life lesson with the critical self talk in my head bleating "but you should know better" or "I'm just not good enough I should try harder" do we all share this or not. I know some of my friends don't feel guilt on the level that I do, nor do they have the same ambitious qualities. I think my point of this small soap box saga today is be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, hug yourself mentally, hold your own hand and tell yourself its all going to be alright. This has been a difficult life lesson for me to learn but a valuable one, for at the end of the day you really have only yourself in the dark as he snores beside you. To be at peace with oneself is to truly find happiness.

Delish Things I LOVE!

On a more serious note, I must discuss my OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I feel like a freak but I need to confess. I realise this is a real and potentially soul destroying illness for some, but I needed a little light hearted cheer to post on my oh so serious blog of late, so my apologies to the real suffers.

I.. Nicky..stand up and confess I have an OCD for shoes. I frequent shoe shops, inhale deeply avoiding the growing excitement in my tummy and the tingles in my finger tips as I ache to touch the leather and delicious array of shinny new shoes displayed on the shelves. I LOVE shoes, I stand and smile, fingering (not at all inappropriate in the light of such beauty) each of the styles dreaming about my relationship with them. I have a special passion for delightful girlie shoes, with extremely high heels, and pretty ribbons to lace up, or pink leather with black buckles, or my extreme favorite which I'm saving madly for, a black patent leather pair with an petite tiny incy buckle and an organza glittery butterfly covering it, OMG to die for. Is this an illness? I ask myself, I feel a little heady on entering my fave designer clothing shops, but nothing like this. I seriously had a small amount of drool recently which I quickly licked off my lips, over a pair of beautiful black lace up heels, with lovely tubular laces, almost librarian like but would look killer with a pair of black tights with a seam up the back and my fave lil black dress. Okay my confession may seem a little silly but I had to, it worried me that I may not be normal, till I actually noticed the other women in the store, carrying a variety of tissue material (for wiping drool) and white knuckles clutching their purses. YAY I'm normal after all.

Pain versus Power

I read this week my self help book of choice, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, there a little plug for this particular author. Perhaps I should have read this at a younger age but it's a book I recommend thoroughly for those in the throes of fear gripping life changes. The experiences of things happening in our lives, you know the big stuff like loosing a loved one, divorce, loosing your job, being at the bottom of the pecking order or so it seems. I am going through some experiences where I was so low there was no where else to go but upwards, but fear gripped me in an insane way, pushing me into a corner where I was lost and desperate. Fighting out of it is impossible, gentle acceptance and patience, helped. You can not fight your way out of a situation you are obviously going through for a reason as well. I always try to see the good in the bad but this time my optimism waned BIG time. But in no way did I give up on it, I pressed on each day on waking thinking "okay today I feel like total S**** but on the other hand feeling like this means, my double shot mochachino tastes extra good, or my run around the block in the rain makes me feel alive, or that special little voice saying "I love you Mummy" pulled me through these dark experiences. So to experience pain and come through it is a path to power within oneself is my goal. My goal is in sight, I think.

Soul Searching

Soul mates ?? Is there such a thing, do I believe, is this a hopeless romantics view of the world. Hmmm pondering this question, I have always believed in the one person for everyone point of view, but only secretly, I would never spout out at dinner parties, how much I would love the ideal of there being just one lover for you in the world. My public view of this is ... there will never be just one person for everyone, you can adapt and sway to be with many people, I think a connection is possible with many similar souls. Is this true, is a mind connection with someone, thinking the same things at the same time, feeling warmth from each others smiles, happy to just be, is this something that can be found in many people of your liking. I'm not sure, I really struggled with this question, my romantic side fighting my more practical realistic side.

Someone who makes your heart race and pulse quicken and gives you butterfly tummies, is a keeper, but after the lust and love fades, the companionship and knowing in each other takes a new hold. But then should this person always hold your heart and can more than one person hold that key. I'm not sure, in my experience I suppose the one person only forever has waned and I'm not quite sure anymore of my realistic view of life, and seem to like the idea of a soul mate. I consider my girlfriends of soul mate quality looking at it from a different perspective, they love you, all your quirks and mistakes, they pick you up when you fall, they hold your hand when you cry and just have the ability to make you smile while shopping for a new pair of red heels. So yes I believe in soul mates, not just the posiblity of one but many throughout a lifetime.

Pleasure in Pain

Do you ever think that life is merrily following along a path, one which you intended it to follow and then out of the bush jumps a wolf so to speak and rocks your world the core of its foundations. Okay now that in English is, life holds such possibility but do we consider it changeable completely. I know for myself, I have always considered my life would turn out a certain way, how narrow minded is that? Recently I had the opportunity to create a new possibility in mine. After the death of my mother, I was suddenly freed of any constraints that an influential person can cast on your life. At the time I was devastated but it actually made me realise often we can run to the idea our life should be based on the rules of how our parents would do things. Or from what they consider we should do.

I suppose what I am trying to say very inaccurately, is sometimes we hold things from our past of what our parents have said to us, or what our caregivers or siblings have said and consider this to be true about ourselves. We lack the knowledge to realise that maybe this is what they think only and really not about us at all. I know my sister considered me weak at one stage of our lives, her comments rang in my ears for 10 years before I finally released the shackles of this comment. Because a person holds a perception of us, it doesn't mean we are that way, we (being I) have to embrace ourselves, take ourselves by our hand and jump into the unknown trusting only our own judgement and our own true self that we are doing the right thing. Fear of course is prevalent in this but the feeling of pain and coming out the other side is liberating spine tingling if we can see that the realms of possibility is not always what we consider our lives should be and open ourselves up to the possibility of change.

WOW that is deep, LOL oh well .. I have depth inside of myself I need to express and there ya are, its out now !

The Universe Shifts

Over the last few weeks, after a tumultuous few months of painful experiences in my life, due to marital non-bliss and also the beginnings of a career, I feel like I have been to the war zone and back. I'm jumpy and nervous and anxious but born from this has emerged a new person, less sensitive and tougher on the inside. Do our life experiences mean most learning must be from pain. I have decided to write this week about living in a crisis situation for the last few months, some created by myself some not. I keep thinking am I supposed to be learning from this, and please let this be over. I gave my power away, thinking that...when we throw ourselves at the mercy of a situation, we become it's dinner literally. I found it is best to face what life is giving us, yes even painful situations and move through it with utter acceptance of the situation, I'm ever the optimist so my immediate reaction is "what good is coming from this". I have always considered myself a weaker personality but this could not be farther from the truth and although countless friends has said to me, you are strong, I have yet to see this fully. Why do we fail to see the good stuff within ourselves. I think that learning experiences especially in the thirties/forties which some could say middle age, I like to call it "the growing years". These experiences are given to us at a time when 1. We are able to handle it and change direction in our lives and 2. We are mature enough to gather enough learning experiences from pain that we can somehow reshape our lives. There does come a certain time to stop blaming others for our lives and live in the world free of becoming a victim to the bad experiences that life throws at us. Believe me its liberating to experience this and know that no matter what life throws my way, "Ill be okay".

Motherly Love!

Eight years ago, I lost the most important person in my life, my mum. As a woman, in my view, mothers are the most important people in our development into adulthood. But when we are all grown up and living our lives as an independent, loosing your mother changes your world so dramatically. I look at where I would have been, had she been alive to mould me through my 30's. I see a different place to where I would be had she been in my life. Am I a better person ? As much as I love my mum and loved her dearly, I see my life as an independent symphony of experiences, due to her influence and also her departing this life. I am grafeful for the 30 years I had her wonderful influence in my life and being a person of a positive nature (much like her) I tried so hard to see the good in such a bad awful experience of my mum dying. I was pregnant at the time with my second daughter, I think the first year of her passing was numbness, after that I suppose I see it as a mourning period and overcoming the shock of her death. I held onto the fact I had her for such a short time, but what I had was the most wonderful mum in the world, which I suppose some people never experience. She was a positive, caring, living life to the full soul, whom I loved dearly and I see her "good personality traits" in myself. I envy my friends sometimes as they moan about their mothers, I often speak my mind telling them to love their mothers. I wish I could have mine back in a heartbeat but I dont live in regret, I don't wish for something I cant have, I hold her dear to my heart and I live with the knowledge I had such a wonderful influence in my life for a short time and live my life to my standards knowing I would make her proud "being happy".